the loquacious blog: A typical WHOO-OH W. rasssslin P.P.V. line-up...

Friday, June 01, 2007

A typical WHOO-OH W. rasssslin P.P.V. line-up...



COUCH POTATOES, RASSLIN FANS AND OTHER ASSORTED TROGLODYTES OUT THERE - BOY HAVE WE GOT THE PAY-PER-VIEW HERE FOR YOU TO THROW YOUR HARDLY-EARNED CASH AT!!! WITH LIVE PERFORMANCES... IF YOU PAY ENOUGH FOR THEM!

CALL AND ORDER NOW!!!







FOR IT'S TIME - IT'S TIME - IT'S "SUFFER IN THE SUMMER" TIME!!!

LOOK AT THE AWESOME LINE-UP OF STUPORSTARS AND MISBEGOTTEN MIS-MATCHES THAT WE'VE ASSEMBLED FOR YOU ON THIS STUPENDOUS CARD - YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS A SINGLE SECOND OF THIS ONE, FOLKS!


Mid-card match-ups...

KAFKAT - The Ghoulish Kreepy Kat
versus
Maniac Meerkat!

P.B.P. (aka Ephrem,
The "Pretty Big Panda" of the Dreary Carnival's Team Panda!
accompanied by manager Ernest...!)
versus
Ghostwriter
(accompanied by The Literary Society's very own publishing mogul and creative force - Literati Nosferatu!)


Cocoricocock
versus
Muff The Battling Beaver


The Zombie Swamp Bear
versus
Bully Da Bull


The Thumping Tapir
versus
Chinchilla Chupacabra!


Battle Bichon
versus
The Catwalker!


Burly Bruin
versus
Squirrel 'Oh-So-Nutso' Squirrel
(S.O.S.)


AND OUR MAIN EVENT...

Triple "Y"
versus
Triple "B"

FOR THE "SUPREME EXTREME SUBLIME CHAMPIONSHIP" - !!!

Special guest-referee for this match:
The Unmasked - Unleashed - Unbeatable UNDERWRITER!
(Triple "U" - in the adjective department anyway!?)
(How abject it all is - I know, I know...!)



Take photos with your favorite rrrrrrassler after the event!

And if you didn't appreciate some calls made during the gory gala,
blame it all on our guest referee for the evening - The Count!
Take it all out on him - beat the stuffing outta The Count - he can take it and, besides, it doesn't even count...!

An average of 5.1 run-ins is GUARANTEED
for just about EVERY SINGLE MATCH
on any card ever put together by
WHOO-OHHHHH W. RASSLIN ACTION!
Yes, folks - you'll never be bored with us! Ditch the competition - we've got more animation! ;)
See? We've thought of everything here - and provided you with it all, even with a ready-to-hang scapegoat - if we couldn't exactly provide you with "the very best in sports entertainment" right here and now, at the drop of a pencil-necked geek, folksies...!
Stake available for the first 1000 customers who order the pay-per-view event - go get that nasty no-good blind-as-a-bat referee after the gala is all over and done with!
We will not mind one bit! ;)
CALL NOW - 1-800-THROWYOURCASHAWAY-GIVEITTORASSLERS!

Pictures here are merely indicative of the final product and remain the sole property of their respective owners.
No resemblance, pellucid or obfuscated, with any living being on the planet is intended here - in any way, shape or form!
Anyone tempted to sue should strive harder to find his sense of humor!

The preceding characters are all TM and Copyright - Luminous Luciano Properties!
Copyright 1999-2007 and Beyond - Luciano Pimentel
The images used to illustrate them are the property of their respective owners - who surely have a good sense of humor...
I hope! *lol*

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3 Comments:

Blogger Luminous (\ô/) Luciano ™ said...

THE FOLLOWING IS A TYPICAL "EPISODE" OF "RASSLIN ACTION" TENTATIVELY TITLED...
''FRIDAY NITE BARF''


THE SITUATIONS, CHARACTERS AND IDIOSYNCRACIES ON DISPLAY HERE SHOULD INSPIRE NOT ONLY
THE CHARACTERIZATION OF ALL THE ACTION FIGURES MADE BUT ALSO OF COURSE, THE CARTOONS,

SEQUENTIAL ART (A.K.A. COMIC-BOOKS) OR OTHER PRODUCTS MADE TO MARKET THESE PROPERTIES...


''Show'' opens with excerpts of the last few episodes / recent feuds / least pathetic moments montage followed by intro - musical theme and logo with cheap fireworks (on purpose - for such is the joke!)
Open on the ''blow-by-blow'' hand puppet and the ''color guy'' - very colorful indeed (two cartoony nerds)


BIDIBIDI Mac Quick aka B.M. News - "Welcome to another edition of FRIDAY NITE BARRRFFFFFFF''

PETEY PAMBY aka Quad P - ''Yeah - whatever !!!''

B M - ''Some color commentator YOU are...!! OHHHHH - WHAT IS THIS NOW ?!?''

P P - ''the beginning of the show ? I thought we'd established SO MUCH... !!!''


Music starts heralding the entrance of the top heels of the fed - the fiendish Arctic World Order!!!
A few penguins with attitude, intimidating sleighdogs and wolves, mean-looking polar bears, arctic hares, owls and other assorted critters, including the prone-to-improv "N.S.L." - the Newstyle Snow Leopard, and "woe the woebegone wolverine", headline this clique...
They all cram the ring within seconds - and the leader, ARCTIC ANNIHILATOR, picks up the microphone...

AA - ''That 's it dawwwwgs!!! No more messing around with the A-W-O... Because DA A-W-O IS DA ONLY WAY TO GO, YO!!! And the new ice age has officially begun for the whoo-oh.w.rasslin crew!!!''

Penguin #1 - ''yeah - those losers !!! When we're through with you, it will be oh-oh.w.!!!''

woe - ''woe to those that chose to oppose the A-W-O!!!''

A.W.OWL - ''whhhhhhoooooooooooooo!!! The A-W-O is the best W-O of all W-O's around!!!
NWO... PWO... ZWO... FORGET ALL ABOUT IT!!!! WE ARE THE BEST W-O - YO!!! A-W-O --- DA ONLY WAY TO GO - YO!!! whhhhhoooooooo!!!''

Penguin #2 - ''and of course A-W-O stands for... AWESOMEPENGUIN WORLD ORDER!!!''

AA - ''AHEM-AHEM... What did you just say...? I thought we'd gone over that a million times already...
A-W-O STANDS FOR ARCTIC WORLD ORDER ------ NOT AWESOME ANYTHING ELSE!!''

Before they can go any further with their internal squabble, the A-W-O is attacked by assaillants dropping from the ceiling ...



B M - ''oh my goodness - look at this now!!! Total chaos and mayhem once again in the opening minutes of our fantasmagorical show...!!!''

P P - ''you're so whitebread!!! Fantas-tittillating-what ?!?!? IT'S JUST SENSELESS VIOLENCE - CALL IT AS IT IS!!! To your credit B M, there was ''gory'' somewhere in there... BUT...''

B M - ''Gory seems an UNDERSTATEMENT here, my friend! I am... speechless before the spectacle we are witnessing before us!! DINOSAURS AND FLYING REPTILES ARE DESCENDING FROM THE RAFTERS OF THIS SECOND-RATE ARENA AND BESIEGING THE A-W-O...!''

P P - ''Speechless, eh? But you don't shut up!!! Yeah... guess them ''LETHAL LIZARDS'' are not interested in being wiped out by another ice age like their forefathers were...!''

B M - ''Here is THESAURUS TYRANNOSAURUS - smashing Arctic Annihilator over the head with a hardcover volume!! THIS IS HARDCORE, FOLKS!!''

P P - ''It is?!? Yeah - I guess you could say that he is hard-core-cover... hehehehehe''

B M - ''Not very good - that what they pay you for? OH MY GOD - GORY GECKO JUST POWER-BOMBED A.W.OWL THROUGH A TABLE!! It had to culminate in this excessive display of senseless retribution!!!
Ever since the A-W-O came down to our area - PRESUMABLY FROM THE ARCTIC - and started making outrageous territorial demands - not the least of which was that they were ''taking over'' our houses
and our neighborhoods, so we might as well move down south, because the NORTH BELONGED TO THEM!!! All this ON TOP OF ISSUING INNUMERABLE THREATS OF BODILY HARM.....!!!''

P P - ''Wait a minute - wait a minute; you said ''presumably from the arctic''...?!? WHERE ELSE DO YOU PRESUME THAT THEY COULD HAVE COME FROM?!? THEY'RE MAULING, VICIOUS POLAR BEARS!!! AND WOLVES!!! AND WOLVERINES!!! AND... SNOWMEN!?! AND... AND... PESKY PENGUINS!!!
WHERE ELSE COULD THEY COME FROM, YOU...!!!''

B M - ''No time for your pointless tirades, Petey - not when the action is faster and furiouser than it has ever
been in any ring of WHOO-OH.W.RASSSLIN!!! If you just joined us folks, the A-W-O and the LETHAL LIZARDS faction are going at it in the ring right this very moment ---- OHHHHHH!! What a
devastating move by HYPERBOREAN THULE, second-in-command of the A-W-O!!! He just power-slammed Thesaurus Rex into a pile of dinos!! HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF FOLKS --- THE ICE AGE IS DECIMATING THE DINOSAURS ALL OVER AGAIN --- AND THE ICE AGE IS HERE, IN WHOO-OH.W. RASSLIN!! (...)
Oh... but what is this now?''


P P - "Probably the exaggeration police come to arrest you?"



The entrance music of yet another faction of belligerents makes itself heard as they too rush the ring...

B M - ''OH, MY SWEET DIXIE - NOOO!!! THE DOGS CHAIN GANG IS HERE!!! ARE THEY MAAAAAAD?!?
THEY CANNOT COMPETE WITH DINOSAURS AND THE A-W-O AT THE SAME TIME!!!''


P P - ''HEYHEYHEY - WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER FINE BOSTON MASSACRE TONIGHT!!!''


Petey references here the fact that the Gang originates from Boston - as evidenced by their forefront attackers, a tag-team of twin Boston Terriers !! T.B.T. and T.N.T. - Terrific Boston Terrier and Terrible Newstyle Terrier!
Also among the notables here; the World tag-team champs (one ''dog'' of a team, experts in chronic pain redistributing
and take-offs on ''Kronic'' thus called...) ''SOPORIFIC'' - Big Bad Johnny B and Tommy the Terror!!!
The ominous CANINE KILLING MACHINE is also there... AND... TRIPLE B, THE 99-TIME WORLD CHUMP... ahem... CHAMP!!!
The mean pups take it to the polar crew AND the lizards with reckless abandon... i.o.w. KAMIKAZE FOOLISHNESS!!
Still, ''rasslin'' logic applying here, the heavier and all-around ''ferociouser'' forces actually start falling back - soon leaving only the cute puppy loves as sole masters of THIS backyard...!!!


B M - ''TEN, COUNT'EM FANS, TEN DOGS PILING UP ON THE ARCTIC ANNIHILATOR!!!
AND HERE COMES BEASTLY, THE 99-TIME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, WITH A KITCHEN SINK HE PULLED OUT OF NOWHERE...!!''


P P - ''WHATTASURPRISE... WHAT ELSE IS NEW THIS WEEK?!?''


B M - ''AND HE SMASHES IT INTO DOUBLE-A 'S FOREHEAD - KNOCKS HIM RIGHT OUT OF THE RING!!! ALONG WITH HIS TEN CRONIES MIND YOU... Now that is the worst color commentating EVER - shape up, Petey boy - or our ''anonymous president'' is not only going to fire your butt - but kick it around as well!!
WHAT WILD ACTION WE'RE HAVING FOLKS, RIGHT IN THE FIRST MINUTES OF THIS WEEK'S
BROADCAST OF... FRIDAY NIGHT BAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF!!''


P P - '' BAAAAH!''



However, in spite of Petey's skepticism, both the A-W-O and the Lizards legions fall back (though while grumbling threats and other assorted profanities, though not audible to anyone in the audience, mysteriously enough!) and they all depart for the proverbial "lockerroom area"...


When the smoke clears, Petey is then reminded that he has to go inside the ring to do his OTHER job and conduct an interview with the apparent (bogus) victors - the rambuctious DOGS CHAIN GANG members...! They who are now howling at the... ah, rafters spotlights actually, after their (bogus) victory...!!!



P P - '' Er... er... alright f-folks.... oh-forget-this-crap...
SO, DOGGIES GOT LUCKY TONITE, EH?!?''


Big Bad JohnnyB - ''GRRRRR... WATCH IT, PETEY PAMBY!!!
OR I'LL BITE YOUR A$$$$$!!!"


TripleB - ''Gimme that mike, Petey Pukey!!! LISTEN UP A-W-O!!! AND LISTEN UP GOOD!!!
Hoooo-whooooooooooooooo!!!
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT DOGS BUILT... thus making it... a doghouse, BABY!
WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO LET A BUNCH OF NORTH POLE REFUGEES CROSS THE BORDER... and then... another border... AND TAKE IT ALL AWAY FROM US - NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT YOU WON'T, PALLIES!! SO WE, THE PREMIERE ELITE GROUP OF THE WHOO-OH.W. RASSLIN FEDERATION ARE CHALLENGING
*****YOU***** TO A SPECIAL NO-HOLDS-BARRED BARNYARD BRAWL MATCH!!! NO RULES -
NO TIME LIMIT - NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR AAAAAAAA-DUBYAAAAAAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH?!?
Hooooooo-whoooooooooooo!!
Hoooooo-whooooooooooooooooooo!!!''


Behind him, Petey is on top of a turnbuckle trying to keep a safe distance between him and Tommy The Terror who is
barking up at him after running him around the ring a few times...!!!
Entering the ring at that precise moment, however, and making his way arrogantly through a crowd of dogs is one YURRY, THE RUSSIAN BRUIN... he brought his own mike by sheer coincidence and starts running his yap too...


Yurry - ''EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, TRIPLE B-B-B!!! I do not mean to rain on your parade - Lord knows that your hometown has had so very few of those in the last three decades - BUT I would be remiss if I didn't throw my own two cents into this little diatribe you've been dispensing to this abject if only because it is such a minimal crowd, up on your soapbox there..!!! BECAUSE I AM... THE BEAR!!!
DA BEAR OF DA BEARS -
DA BEST OF DA BEARS -
DA BEST OF DA BEST -
AND DA...
BEAR OF DA BEST?!? (...)
AND I am ALSO...
THE ONCE AND FUTURE LEADER OF THE A-W-O...
which used to be MY
way-to-go!!!
SSSSSSO - I WANT IN!!!''


Triple B - ''You want in...? Where? You can't join the Gang, pal... yer no DOG!!! Yer not DOWN WITH THE DOGS - COMPRENDE, INIMIGO?!?''


Yurry - ''Not in with the dogs - IN-to THE MATCH!!! THE BARNYARD BRAWL FOR NOT MUCH AT ALL!!!''



Triple B - ''You and what army, pal?!? It's gonna be THE DOGS CHAIN GANG in one corner - the A-W-O in the LOSER corner... What are YOU going to do, all by yourself - stand in the middle of the ring and get squashed sandwich style?!?
Hooooooo-whooooooooooooo!!!''


Tommy the Terror -
''Squashed sandwich-style... AND PRRRROOOOOOO - FIIIILE !!! NYUK-NYUK-NYUK !!!''


Yurry - ''NO - IT WILL BE A 3-WAY GANG CLASH!!! OR FOUR-WAY, IF THE LIZARDS WANT INTO THIS DANCE TOO... DANG-NABBIT !!! DCG - A-W-O - L-W-O AND MY... Y-W-O, yo!!!
Also known as... THE BSOB'S POSSE!"


With that announcement, the ring is invaded by all shapes and sizes of burly bruin bears... The dogs try their
dog-piling trick on the leader, B.S.O.B. himself - TO NO AVAIL!!! Pups are sent flying out of the ring and Yurry
himself throws Triple B over the top rope (they are old foes with a rich history between them)...


B M - ''OH MY SWEET LORD!!! THE POSSE IS CLEARING THE RING WITH THE DOGS!!! MOPPING IT CLEAN WITH THEM!!! AND PETEY IS CAUGHT AMIDST ALL THE ACTION...!!! OOOOHHHHHHHHH -
HE JUST GOT CLOTHESLINED BY ACCIDENT - BY BRUISER BRUIN!!! THAT ONE fans MUST have HURT...!!! WOW - THIS IS THE BEST PROMO CUT THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN...!!!
And boy do we need it - p-p-v buy rates have been dismal!!! THE B.S.O.B.'S POSSE RRRRRRRRULES THE RRRRRRRRRRRING!!! but if only they could all clear the ring now... we STILL have not had our first official match this evening!!! Let' s keep a semblance of order amidst all the chaos here...!!''



As the blow-by-blow guy rambles on, the DCG limps back to the lockerroom area - as the POSSE leaves triumphantly
through the crowd and exits the arena (someone shouts ''BEARS !!! BEARS ON THE LOOSE!!! YAAAAAAAAAA!!!'' To which some stagehand replies ''SO WHAT? THEY'RE ALWAYS ON THE LOOSE AROUND HEEEEERE...!!! DUH!!!)
THEN, A SHORT SECOND OF SILENCE BEFORE THE BARF THEME MUSIC STARTS AGAIN - AND THE RING ANNOUNCER ENTERS THE RING AND DOES HIS JOB...



R-A - ''THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL... HEADING TOWARDS THE RING AREA AT THIS TIME, HAILING FROM THE DARKEST SIDE OF THINGS, HERE IS... D.C.W. - DEAD CAT WALKING!!!''


The living-dead feline critter titters towards the squared circle - as the announcement of who his opponent/victimizer will be made this time...



R-A - ''AND HIS OPPONENT... HAILING FROM THE HELLISH FROZEN TUNDRA... THE ONE... THE ONLY... OFTEN-IMITATED BUT NEVER DUPLICATED... THE ABOMINABLE ONE - TRIPLE Y - YETI YACKO YOWIE!!!''


The bell sounds...
Things start pretty badly for the scaredy-cat -as well they should- as Triple Y mops the ringfloor with him/it...
As Triple Y is about to go for his fiftieth POLAR POWERBOMB in a row on poor inane DCW, the ref trips all over himself and inexplicably loses consciousness (hmm... how conveniiiiiiient, says an old lady in the stands - ringside seats by sheer coincidence...)

The match is quickly interfered with then (OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE IS A CONSTANT... AND... A RUNNING GAG OF THE
MOST EFFECTIVE KIND!) when GAZILLIONNAIRE GORILLA (he who made a fortune with his mercantile approach to the #1 natural resource of his place of birth - the banana!) sends in his cronies, THE FOUR FECES FACES OF FEAR (a comical spin on the 3 monkeys -see/hear/say no evil - with the added THINK tons of evil!) who rough up Triple Y...
Why, you ask?
Cause they want to!!!
They leave when Triple Y's own cronies -THE ABOMINABLES- run in and chase them away... But the damage is done and D.C.W. collapses on top of a very K.O. Triple Y and the referee counts to three and awards the cat the victory - by pinfall...!


NEXT is an interview segment with the self-proclaimed OWNER OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRLD !!!
A bear, with a top hat and
a tuxedo (...) who claims that the ''spirit of the forest'' came to him one night and declared him to be the rightful ''owner of the
worrrrrrrrrld'' - not the local natural park ranger or anybody else remotely human for that matter!! He is here tonight to inform us all that we are on his property; and there will be taxes to pay...!
A short flashback follows, following the early evolution of the owner - from simpleton cub to loudmouth delusional present self...


NEXT MATCH involves the team of ''COSMIK'' (space dawgs calling themselves Reddis, Anubis, Sirius and the lass Sothis)
versus the team dubbed ''STOIC'' - the unlikely silent pairing of a lion and an eagle called ROARRRG and ILL-EAGLE...
The alien canines display uncanny (as uncanine) abilities to get the victory - and then are assaulted by true arch-rivals hailing from the starry ways themselves: the clique known as ''YIKESINVADERS'', made up of lookalikes and doppelgangers of virtually every famous alien ever put to celluloid... (just enough to recognize the reference WITHOUT any chance of lawsuits for copyright infringements...!) Such as: a vicious e.t. type... a furry little grey... and a female nasty one!!!
This ensuing battle takes off in all directions - leaving the natural stage of a wrestling arena to spill out onto the streets, onto other cities landmarks (vandalizing them), other continents, zoom to the moon and onto the milky way and beyond it...!!!

Needless to say, it is an unsanctioned follow-up bout... because NO REFEREE COULD POSSIBLY KEEP UP WITH THIS PACE...!!! OR WITH THE COMBATTANTS FOR THAT MATTER...!!!



NEXT (and back in the arena - crowd still in shock at what they think they might have just witnessed... but that has little bearing here), another look backstage as the surrealistic DREARY CARNIVAL (a bunch of pandas, mostly) are limping out of their traveling caravan bus and trying to get access to the ring... which is denied by the creative control / administrative forces commonly referenced as THE CARTOON GOONS!!!
The assumed head-booker, Cap'n Adventure (former super-hero clod/wanna-be) tells the pandas that they have their quota of bears for the weekly dose of silly rasslin action...
AND that, by-the-way, the WHOO-OH. W. RASSLIN ANONYMOUS PRESIDENT (too ashamed of this gig -and this company- this whole thing really!!! Hence the anonymity...) thinks that the ''dreary carnival of carnivalesque panda
bears'' angle basically... well... sucks. Hearing this, the pandas (especially PSYCHO PANDA) go berserk and assault every crew member backstage - choke-slamming Cap and crew through tables, floors, cars parked nearby... the sidewalk even!!!
(WHO ARE THE GOONS NOW...?!?) A new feud is established thus, for many months to come... (Next: the hot dog vendor starts a feud with the
popcorn guy and they rumble through the stands...?!?)



NEXT is the rasslin tradition of THE RASSLIN WORD OF THE DAY (sending up Sesame Street, its close kin... rrrrright) - and today's word is a composite word too - FRACTURED-CRANIUM! As THESAURUS TYRANNOSAURUS smashes a chair over the head of extremely reluctant (to interview) interviewer Merino "Pi" Mantell... and then he repeats the process (driving the word of the day home -
into the tiny little heads of the millions and millions of fans worldwide watching on their TV... or at www.whoo-oh.w.rasslin.com!) smashing the heads of everyone backstage that comes unto his path, including Thesaurus Tyrannosaurus!



THAT IS FOLLOWED BY another long-standing tradition in "rasslin" circles - PLUGGING TIME! Also known as BARKING TIME - no, Bob Barker will not appear, nor will any old-time circus brker for thet matter...!!!
B.M. News does the plugging, from the comfort of his broadcast booth and ringside seat - helped out in the task by the teleprompter!
"FOLKS, WHAT A PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT WE WILL HAVE THIS COMING WEEK-END --- LIVE AND ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!"
he enthuses... enthusiastically! Color commentator Quad P chimes in his usual sarcastic interruption and disruptive comments: "You already said that...!" But B.M. News ignores him and continues: "BARNYARD BRAWL - 99! All championships will be on the line in the event; the REAL World Tag-Team Champions BERSERKO & ULTIMATO versus the number one contenders... the Literary Society's Ghostwriter & Underwriter?!? Ahem... Aaaaaaaand... For the 99th edition of BARNYARD BRAWL, there will be a special appearance by the legendary 99-time champion BENJY BANDOG BOSTON - TRIPLE B! He will be accompanying to the ring the team of Johnny, Big Bad Dog & Tommy The Terror -TEAM SOPORIFIC- for their match with the Cartoon Goons - (TEAM GERIATRIC?) Sammy Claws & Cap'n'Adventure! Two very long-time nemeses of Triple B...!!!" - Quad P interjects: "Yeah - rrrrrrrrrrrrright!" - B.M.News continues: "CALL AND ORDER THIS LIVE PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT ***NOW*** FOLKS! CALL YOUR CABLE PROVIDER... YOUR SATELLITE PROVIDER... YOUR PROVIDER, DAMMIT!!! CALL HIM AND TELL HIM YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THE BRAWL!!!" - "Fat chance he'll know what the hell you're talking about! Phah!" interrupta Quad P, again... - B.M. News adds: "THIS MATCH JUST ADDED TO THE CARD - in a triple threat GRUDGE match, inside of a steel cage, OUR PROMOTER versus YOUR PROVIDER versus the COLOR COMMENTATOR, Quad P right here, folks!!" - "WHAAAAAT?!?" asks Quad P, startled and shocked - before B.M. News concludes his sales pitch with "ORDER THIS EVENT ***NOW*** - it just keeps getting better... or weirder! And now it is time for tonight's MAIN EVENT, folks!"


THE MAIN EVENT -

R-A - ''IT IS TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT... OF THE EVENING... ARE YOU STILL HERE?!? ARE YOU OUT THERE... VIEWING THIS $@%?!&@ ON TV...?!? LET'S GET... IT OVER WITH, ACTUALLY!!! THE MAIN EVENT IS A TAG-TEAM MATCH-UP WITH NO TIME LIMIT - NO DISQUALIFICATION - AND NOT MUCH COMMON SENSE EITHER...!!! COMING IN FIRST, AT A TOTAL COMBINED WEIGHT OF... OH, MY... WAY-TOO-MANY POUNDS!!!
''B'' AND ''Z'' - THE CYBERKILLERS!''


B M - ''THIS IS GOING TO BE SOME MATCH FOLKS!! THE ANDROIDS WITHOUT HEMORROIDS -?!?- VERSUS THE SHEER RAW -ahem- UNBRIDLED SAVAGERY OF THEM RUGGED, HARSH, "HOARSE-ENDZ"!!! ANYWAY... THEY ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH, THESE ANDROIDS, FORMERLY KNOWN COLLECTIVELY AS ''BIYOYONIC'' -good marketing move that we changed that, guys !- ...LOOK AT THEM!!! SEVEN FEET TALL AND NO EMOTIONS AT ALL...! THEY ARE 100% GUARANTEED MERCILESS!!! OH MY... THEY JUST SENT FLYING HALF-A-DOZEN FANS STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE RAILING... TWENTY FEET UP IN THE AIR!!''



P P - ''THAT SURE BEATS BEING TRAMPLED TO DEATH BY THE UNWAVERING CROWDS THESE PUNKS ARE USUALLY A PART OF... WHENEVER THEY ATTEND THE LATEST RUSTY METAL CONCERT
THAT THEY JUST CAN'T DO WITHOUT...!!! HEH-HEH-HEH...''



R-A - ''AND THEIR OPPONENTS - FEARSOME, FIERCE AND FEARED MEMBERS OF THE HOARSE-ENDZ CLIQUE... HAILING FROM YOUR NIGHTMARES... BUT ORIGINATING RESPECTIVELY FROM DARTMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS AND DEXTER, MAINE... go figure... AT A TOTAL COMBINED WEIGHT OF... OH, MY... JUST AS MANY WAY-TOO-MANY POUNDS ALMOST!!! "DEATH - DA CHUPACABRA" AND "DOOM - DA WENDIIIIIIIIIIIIIGOOOOOOOOO"!!!''



B M - ''THE OPENING BELL HAS RUNG... AND THEY ARE ALREADY GOING AT IT..!!! OHHHHHHH!!! WHAT A SHOT BY CYBERKILLER ''B''... OHHHHHHHHHH!!! CYBERKILLER ''Z'' KNOCKED DOOM DOWN - AND HE... or is it ''it''... CAN'T GET UP!!! WHAT ACTION WE'RE HAVING HERE, FOLKS!!! AS IT ALWAYS IS, HERE - IN WHOO-OH.W.RASSLIN!!! FAST AND FURIOUS...!!!''



P P - ''You ALWAYS say that...!!! SHEESH...!!! Now - GET ME OUT OF THAT TRIPLE THREAT MATCH, willya?!?''



THE CYBERKILLERS DOUBLE UP ON "DEATH", JOINTLY CHOKE-SLAMMING HIM (OR IT) THROUGH THE RING FLOOR... THEY REPEAT THE PROCESS WHEN APPLYING IT TO "DOOM" AS WELL... BOTH CRAWL BACK UP FOR MORE THOUGH... AND GET THEIR ''WISH''...!!! THE NEED FOR OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE IS OBVIOUS - AND SOON IT IS EVIDENT THAT OTHER HOARSE-ENDZ (there could be as many as... 44 ?) WILL BE COMING OUT TO LEND A HAND... OR FURRY PAW AS IT TURNS OUT... A MONGOOSE FROM MYSTIC, MASS. DUBBED "RRRAGE" AND LISBON HARBOR (THE NEW AREA 51)'S OWN "KARRION" KRITTER ATTACK THEN, IN AN ATTEMPT TO TURN THE TIDE...
ALONG WITH MANY OTHER COARSE (OF COURSE), HOARSE-ENDZ WHO RUSH THE RING...

BUT THE TWO ANDROIDS BEAT THEM ALL BACK...!!!
(Shades of those silly Morphin-addicted PowerRangers when they do battle with a bunch of silly, all-around improbable alien monsters!!!)


SEVERAL OTHER RASSLERS CHOOSE THIS LATE-IN-THE-GAME MOMENT TO COME IN AND RAISE SOME... MINOR BLAZE REALLY...

TERRY TIGER, TIGROBOT & PANTHEROBOT --- THE UNDERWRITER & GHOSTWRITER TAG-TEAM --- YETI YACKO YOWIE AND FRIENDS --- ALL WITHOUT EXCEPTION WITH A SCORE TO SETTLE WITH THE UNBEATABLE (UNTIL THEIR BATTERIES RUN OUT THAT IS) CYBERKILLERS...!!!

THE SHOW ENDS IN TOTAL UTTER CHAOS AND, AS USUAL IN RASSLIN, NOTHING IS EVER PERMANENTLY RESOLVED...


NOT The End... FAR FROM IT!!!

Copyright 2007
Luciano Pimentel
A.R.R.





THE NEXT NIGHT - on a taping destined to be aired most likely as some show either titled "Tuesday Thumpings" or "Thursdays Thrashings"... *lol*
THE CARTOON GOONS ARE INCENSED AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF HAVING BEEN DECIMATED AND MAULED ALIVE BY A BUNCH OF PATHETIC PANDAS!!! THEY SWEAR REVENGE BY INTRODUCING THEIR UMPTEENTH UBER HENCHMAN - GBG!!! THE GANGBANGERGOON !!!
(Here's hoping that GangBangerGoon will not turn up like all the others and basically ABANDON SHIP AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE - OR LUCRATIVE EARNINGS ELSEWHERE!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT UNDERWRITER &
GHOSTWRITER DID... AND SINISTER-MAN... AND THE CYBERKILLERS... AND ... need I go on?!?)...

GBG IS BASED ON... DDP OF COURSE - HIS MOTTO WILL BE ''IT'S TIME FOR BANG-BANG... BANG-BANG... BANG-BANG... BANG!!!'' -
WHICH IS A SLIGHT
AMALGAMATION/VARIATION/HOMAGE FOR CACTUS JACK AS WELL AS... VADER *AND* DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE; ALL WCW PRODUCTS!!!
AND HE WILL LOOK LIKE A HIRSUTE SAVAGE - LIKE ALL THREE'S COMBINED ATTRIBUTES SHOULD LOOK LIKE TOO!!! ANYWAY...

CARTOON GOON LEADERS SAMMY CLAWS & CAP ADVENTURE INTRODUCE HIM AND THEY PROMISE TO REND THE PANDA CREW ASUNDER AT THE NEXT P-P-V, "WHATEVER IT IS"... TURNS OUT IT
WILL BE THE VERY FIRST "RASSLIN PAY PER VIEW LIVE FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA" (!)
AND SO, FOUR GOONS WILL HAVE TO FACE FOUR PANDAS IN A FISHING NET MATCH... (OTHER MATCHES SCHEDULED ARE A SCUBA GEAR MATCH -
BOLDBONE PPD VS HYPERBOREAN THULE... FIRST CRITTER THAT GETS TO THE SCUBA GEAR, GETS TO USE IT... EITHER ON HIS OPPONENT OR ON HIMSELF... THE LATTER IS STRONGLY ADVISED!!!
AND THE MAIN EVENT IS
BUDDY B VS DESTRUCTO DA DOLPHIN... BIG POOPER POPS BUDDY B.
IS PEEVED AT ALL THE INTERFERING D.D.D. HAS BEEN DOING IN HIS MATCHES - BASICALLY FOILING HIS ATTEMPTS TO CHEAT... SO BUDDY B LOST HIS COOL AND BASICALLY DOOMED HIMSELF BY NOT ACCEPTING BUT ACTUALLY CHALLENGING D.D.D. TO A MATCH IN D.D.D.'S OWN ELEMENT!!!

OR AS BUDDY B PUT IT:
''IT'S GONNA BE YOU AND ME DESTRUCTO BOZO - YOU AND ME - INNNNN-SSSSSIDE!!! INSIDE A
15-FOOT HIGH STEEL CAGE WATER TANK - WITH A LID ON IT! AND TRANSPARENT STEEL... FILLED TO THE BRIM... AND THE FANS WILL BE ABLE TO SEE ME PIN YOUR NOT-SO-SCALY HIDE FOR THE ONE-TWO-THREE!!!
CAUSE I'M DA POOPER!!!
I've got the power of the poop within ME...!!!
AND YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THAT POWER!!!
AH'M BIG POOPER POPS - BUDDY B!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT POOPERS LIKE ME DO TO FISHIES LIKE YOU? UH? UH?!? I'M PART COLLIE, PART BULLIE AND PART DALMATIAN!!! AND AAAAAAAALL PARTS ARE EXCELLENT AT FISHING!!!
HEH-HEH... YER FIN IS MIIIIIIIINE ...SUCKA!!! IT'S TIME TO POOP DA POOP!!" TO WHICH DESTRUCTO REPLIED OF COURSE "NO MORE "POOPoLLUTION"... NO MORE!!!" (FOLLOWED BY THOSE WEIRD SOUNDS THAT ONLY DOLPHINS MAKE...!!!)

THUS, *ALL* REGULAR WHOO-OH.W. RASSLIN SOOPERSTARS (and quite a few irregular ones too) HAVE THEIR WORK CUT OUT FOR THEM IN THESE DECIDEDLY UNBALANCED PRO-AQUATIC ATTACK MATCHES!!!

STILL, UNPHASED BY THE ANNOUNCEMENT, THE GOONS RAMBLE ON...

SAMMY - ''AH, YA WANNA MAUL, EH? YA WANNA BE BIG MEAN MAULERS NOW, EH? BUT YER NOT MAULER BEARS - YER PANDA BEARS... AND IN OUR BOOK, THAT'S JUST SISSY BEARS!!!"

CAP- "YEAH - WHAT HE SAID !!! DARNANIMALS !!! YA WANNA TURN EVERYBODY AS BLACK'N'BLUE AS YOU ARE NOW, EH?!? IT'S NOT OUR FAULT THAT YER ALL IMPOTENTS AND ALL YER FEMALES ARE INFERTILE WRETCHES!!! BUT IT SOON WILL BE ENTIIIIIIIIIIRELY OUR FAULT THAT YER AN ENDANGERED SPECIES --- ABSOLUTELY... DARNANIMALS!!"

GBG - "IT'S TIME... IT'S TIME... IT'S TIME FOR BANG-BANG...!!!" says GBG, jumping around in anxious-to-get-work fashion... disappearing from the screen and reappearing only to disappear again... always in the background... for now...

SAMMY - "YA GOING DOWN - YA STOOPID PANDA BEARS!!!"

CAP - "YEAH - YA DARNANIMALS!!! YER GOIN DOWN... WHAT HE SAID BASICALLY... again...''

GBG - ''BANG-BANG..."

SAMMY - "YA STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST OUR LATEST HENCHMAN - OUR NEWEST SECRET WEAPON - OUR ACE IN THE HOLE...!!!"


CAP -"WHAT HE SAID... OUR... WHAT?!? HE JUST GOT HERE - THAT'S NOT NICE TO SAY A THING LIKE THAT!!! YA WANT HIM TO GO MEDIEVAL ON US... LIKE ANCESTORIX DID, TAHT TIME YOU CALLED HIM A FOSSIL?!? AND DA DAMN CYBERKILLERS?!? AND DA WRITERS...?!?"


GBG - "BANG-BANG..."


SAMMY - "I SAID HE WAS OUR ACE... IN THE HOLE!!! NOT OUR... @$$ HOLE!!"


CAP - "OHHHHHHHHH - HO HO HO... WHAT HE SAID THEN!!!" corrects, Cappo, winking at the camera...



GBG - "(((((((((BANG!))))))))))" he says in conclusion, with great resonance, as the segment ends with him appearing in extreme close-up right in front of the camera - close enough for us to see that he has abundant nose hairs protruding out of his nostrils!!! And broken teeth too!


Must have played hockey too in his day... so YET A FOURTH ELEMENT TO HIM - GangBangerGoon is an amalgam/homage to Cactus Jack, Vader, Diamond Dallas Page AND... The Goon!!! 3-1 WCW alumni over WWe alumni... pretty good, eh?



Don't answer that!


*lol*


;)

8:45 AM  
Blogger Luminous (\ô/) Luciano ™ said...

Funny stuff - by anonymous!

But easily adaptable to the funny stuff that I've got going RIGHT HERE...


Here, take a look!




SCANDAL: QUADRUPLE P SPEAKS OUT - "Here's MY employment contract:"




Sickdays
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.


Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.


Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangment. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.


Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabethical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.



Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Smil Fast and a diet pill.


Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.


Have a nice day.

The Management.


================

QUAD P is considering QUITTING...





"Never take advice from someone else"
- Someone Else



*LOL*


;)

9:09 AM  
Blogger Luminous (\ô/) Luciano ™ said...

After a first draft of a script - and some internet jokes about labor relations gone awry - get ready for the polished product, including LOTS MORE NEVER BEFORE-SEEN MATERIAL!

It will be available... SOON!

The Loquacious Blog will keep you posted!


Sempre Por O Melhor
;-)

11:49 AM  

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