"I AM THE ABOMINABLE ONE!
I am the most abominable one there is;
the most abominable one there ever was
and the most abominable one there ever will be!
I am ABSOLUTELY ABOMINABLE -
from the top of my head to the tips of my toes!
IT'S TRUE! IT'S REALLY TRUE! YEAH!
I AM THE YETI!
And I am the DE FACTO leader of the Abominables - fatso!
Abominables are forever - and so is THE ABOMINABLE ONE!
Being abominable and staying abominable
are two different things -
but it is all the same to me! You know why?
'CAUSE I AM THE YETI!
Because I am Triple "Y" - Yeti Yacko Yowie!
THE ONE AND ONLY YETI!!!
I AM... THE ABOMINABLE ONE!
Once and future Supreme Extreme Sublime Champion
Rightful Monarch of the Mat
Eventual World Tag-Team Champion -
with any partner that I so choose
from my stable of fellow Abominables -
and, speaking of which, I AM THE
De facto leader of The Abominables!
They who are
more powerful than the Invincibles -
more insidious than the Invisibles -
more unpredictable than the Respectables -
and better than all of them COMBINED!!!
AND MONSTERS INC HAVE NOTHING ON ME!!!
I AM THE YETIiiiiiiiiiiii...!!!
My cousins, Bigfoot in the mid-west,
the Sasquatch-e-Wan up north,
WHENDIDHEGO, sometimes called
WHEREDUDHEGO, further north...
and Skunk-Ape, down in Florida,
could tell you ALL about it!!!
Learn to live with it - accept it and put up with ALL of it -
cause... The Abominables are the-best-thing-going TODAY!
NOTHING ELSE LIKE IT, BABY!
It's not merely UNBEARABLE...
It's not simply DESPICABLE...
It is ALL-AROUND ABOMINABLE!!!
And I know aaaaaaaaaall about that, folks - you know why?
BECAUSE I AM THE YETIiiiiiiiiiii...!!!
Whatchu gonna do when the abominable one
goes abominable in the wild wild woods,
while the trees are all falling by the wayside
in the dark forests, in the middle of the night, HUH?
YOU are gonna shake with your bad legs in your booties
with which you walk around on borrowed time -
that's what you're gonna do!
Because I AM THE ABOMINABLE ONE!
And remember now:
BEING abominable and STAYING abominable
are two VERY different things!
And only I, TRIPLE Y, have mastered this fine art -
remaining abominable aaaaaaall these years
and LOVING IT - ABOMINABLY!
Holler if you hear me, my ABOMINABLEMANIACS!!!
ABOMINABLEMANIA is the main attraction!
ABOMINABLEMANIA IS THE MAIN EVENT!
ABOMINABLEMANIA will never die!!!
(Says ye, ya hairy white ape...!)
Onwards to other redundant "rasslers" now...
BERSERKO & ULTIMATO - the REAL World Tag Team Champions;
membeArs of the BSOB POSSE - made up exclusively of
gruffy, hard-as-nails, gritty and cagey bruin bears!
They vow to end their most bitter foe's career - ASAP!
"We are the REAL WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPS
There is nobody better than US!
And Cyberkillers - Literary Society - Dreary Carnival
ANYBODY - we'll crush ya all!
But we'll make an example out of TRIPLE Y - FIRST!
WE'RE GOING TO END "ABOMINABLEMANIA" FOR GOOD!!!
No more such abominations - NO MORE!!!
I'm going BERSERKO on your a$$, Triple Y!
And ULTIMATO is the ULTIMATE SOLUTION for YOU!
You and your bunch of abominable misbegotten abominations!
"ABOMINABLEMANIA" IS GOING TO DIE!
And it will die this Sunday on BARNYARD BRAWL LCVXXXI...!!!
It's not going to be in a triple-tier cage match -
it's not going to be in a tables-ladder-kitchen sink match
it's not going to be in a barbed-wire-bat/high hockey stick/steel bar/rusted shovel match!
IT IS GOING TO BE IN AN "ANYTHING GOES MATCH" -
We'll pile up a bunch of mattresses with all sorts of cheap
furniture around - and wrestle on top of all that!
You WILL feel it when you fall off the top, Triple Y -
it will be a 20-feet high deadly dive FOR YOU!
Yeah - WE'RE BRINGING A HELL OF A LOT OF MATTRESSES!
AND PILLOWS TOO!
Oh - and many complete bedroom sets!!!
AND WE'RE CRUSHING IT ALL ON TOP OF YOU, ABOMINABLE ONE!
And then we'll make a bonfire of all atrocities -
IT'S OVER FOR YOU ABOMINABLE ONE!
And bring with ya your heathen ABOMINA-BULL too -
we'll make burgers out of HIM!
BERSERKO & ULTIMATO STYLE!!!"
with a headlock on T.P.P.P. - !
Below: one of the CyberKillahs
heading out into town after another
easy night trashing anthropomorphs
in the squared circle...
CYBERKILLAHS "B" & "Z" generate some cyber-buzz
with their new ring entrance song,
(sung by themselves and all, yes...)
(sung to the tune of a song by Apollo Four Forty...)
(Aye, rumor has it that they have the powers-that-be
in their back pocket and are heretofore,
for all intents and purposes, in control of their careers
and of the direction the entire company will take...
Expect their World Tag-Team Championship
Title Reign to be "Neverending"...!
Thus - we have NO CHOICE but to CONFORM...!)
"CONFORM TO CASTIGATION
CONFORM TO HUMILIATION
CONFORM TO A LOSING STREAK TOO
CONFORM - CONFORM! AND TAKE A DIVE NOW!"
(They take a brief pause from their singing to beat up some perennial opponents and passers-by alike...
And then they resume their monotonous -if not monosyllabic- singing...)
"CONFORM TO REGULATION -
CONFORM TO ALL RESTRICTIONS
CONFORM TO EVERY LITTLE DEMAND WE FORMULATE
CONFORM! CONFORM!!! AND GET BEAT UP NOW!"
(Another violent pause... As fate would have it, just coincidentally, MORE innocent bystanders happen to be passing by just at that precise moment - and they take it on the chin. And forehead. And mid-section. And pretty much everywhere else too!)
"CONFORM TO OUR LITIGATION
CONFORM TO OUR EMANCIPATION
CONFORM TO THE ROBOTIC TWO
CONFORM - CONFORM!!! CYBER --- KILL --- NOW!"
(And as they head to the ring, through the stands, onto the streets, into people's living rooms -through live Pay-Per-View feeds- and beat up EVERYONE IN THEIR SIGHT... The backtrack gets repeated endlessly: "CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM - CONFORM......"
That is, until the CyberKillahs' BATTERIES RUN OUT
That is the running gag here: the only WAY to beat this pair, is by wearing them out for so long that the batteries run very low - they will then simply collapse and you can safely pin them for the one-two-three, finally...! Of course, it is tricky getting to that point without getting the mother of all trouncings in the meantime...!
The CyberKillahs - a threefold homage to the 1960s Cybernauts who confronted the REAL Avengers -Emma Peel & John Steed- but also a nod to both the old WWF's Demolition and the NWA's Road Warriors. And maybe a little Goldorak and Robot B-9 thrown in there as well, just for good measure...! But, NO - no "Citizen Pain" in there - ever. He's just a lookalike of theirs...)
Perhaps the only ones creepier than the CyberKillahs
in the entire wrestling promotion here,
are the strange beings that comprise
the ever-changing YIKESINVADERS faction...
Here we see the arrival of team leader
ERMITT THE MISFIT
with one-time valet SYZYGIE CHERIE
and the diminutive (he's grown A LOT since)
EERSUTE THE UNFIT!
And here is what they had to say back then...
"Prepare to be PROBED - Earthlings!
You are hereby INVADED - for WE are
You will be FILED, INDEXED AND SUBJUGATED;
ATOMIZED AND ANALYZED;
REFORMATTED AND PROBED AGAIN!
AND AGAIN - AND AGAIN!
And if you protest - you will be ANNIHILATED!
You have been duly warned, notified and alerted!
HAVE A GOOD DAY... WEAKLINGS!"
G.P.P. - aka Ernest - aka Psycho Panda!
"There is no one better than Ernest; repeat that in earnest!
I am the Gigantic Psychotic Panda -
the most fearsome beast from China!
No dragon, no dralion, no liger, no 'eratigator' and no mere quacker
comes even CLOSE to ME - - -
I am Ernest and I am the BEST!
And I will lay waste to aaaaaaaall the rest!!!
Because ONE PANDA is BETTER than TWO of ANYBODY ELSE!
There is no critter,
no toon and no goon
that can *EVER* defeat me!
PSYCHO PANDA has spoken!
And PSYCHO PANDA lays WASTE to the world!
ALL OF IT - except bamboo plantations!
And SOON - sooner than you think -
I will take off with ALL the championships
for the far greener pastures of the WWF -
where big pandas prevail - 4EVER!"
Pas fou, l'panda psychotique...
And now for a totally different philosophy of life...
His tag-team partner
(the one who makes up the difference in
the total combined weight ''in excess of one ton''
that their tag-team is told be weighing in as
whenever they do enter the ring),
Ephrem aka P.B.P.
(Pretty Big Panda -
although some call him just ''Pathetic'' -
to go with ''Psychotic'', see?)
has, for his part,
an entirely different take on it all... (DUH)
''P...B...P... I'M the once and future Supreme Extreme Sublime Champiiiiiooonnn!!
And I am one half of the World Tag-Team Champions right now! Ouiiiiiiiiii!
But once I've regained my Supreme Extreme Sublime championship title belt,
I will leave these bush leagues and join the BIG LEAGUES - YEAH!
THE PRETTY BIG LEAGUES -
where the Pretty Big Panda belongs!!!
That's right folks - I am rocketing out of here
sooner than later to sign up where the
BIG PANDAS PLAY - PREVAIL - AND PERSUADE!!!
I am joining the... WWF! YES!
Where pandas with attitude proliferate - permanently! Ouiiiiiiii!
I'll tour the BIG PLACES - Brussels, Geneva, Paris!
No more of these downtrodden petty spots like Buffalo! NO MORE!
My... uh... Amarantine (?) beckons me - in the W...W...F!
P...B...P... and the WWF - a marriage made in Nirvana!
(* = pronounced ''wwweeeeeeeeeeeeeee'')
Also from Team Panda and the Dreary Carnival are the
cruiserweight championship-prone tag-team of
"T.P.P.P." (Tiny Petty Psychic Panda) aka Errol
and "M.P." (Medium Panda) aka Earl -
they who know every move that will take place
in the course of any given match;
before it happens!
Not that big a deal in the world of pro-wrestling;
but these two are also eyeing the late night infomercial biz -
and a potential career as Miss Cleo-eclipsers...!
"We have POWERS. We KNOW things!
We don't just act like it - WE ARE "know-it-alls"!
BEFORE WE EVEN WALK THAT AISLE...
We know who's gonna win, who's gonna lose - and in what horrendous fashion!!!
Nobody can ever pull a fast one on us - NOBODY!
Not even the head-booker! Not even the matchmaker!
And not even our employer/promoter!!!
Tell them, Errol!"
"Aye, Earl - we have the Third Eye!
And we're not afraid to take a closer look!
Scrutiny is the key to our victory -
and we will tell you all your future RIGHT HERE
and RIGHT NOW - when you face Errol & Earl;
WE PREDICT THAT...
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE, CHUMPS!"
Their manager, Eugene, can only concur with that!
(And hope it is not all "horrorscope" hogwash again...!!)
That leaves only one "clique" - the original one?!?
The Boston D.C.G.- the DOGS CHAIN GANG!
The group that started it all back when
Whoo-Oh W. Rasslin was just B.O.W.W.O.W. --- !!!
We have several "old-school" champs'n'chumps here:
TRIPLE B - the 99-time World Champion who retired after
his 99th unsuccessful attempt at capturing the gold
ONE MORE TIME (to reach the magical number of 100 - duh!)
BIG BAD DOG JOHNNY B & TOMMY THE TERROR:
tag-team specialists crowned champions multiple times
(set to regain the belts asap - but don't tell anyone; it's a booking ssssssecret!)
BARRY BOSTON - the multi-time Borough champion
Ramblin' RUFF BOSTON - several times crowned a tag-team champion
when a part of the "Bobby & Ruff" tag-team
now acting as counselor and adviser
as well as "tactical manager" for the group...
Bombastic BOBBY BOSTON has retired from "rasslin" too...
New recruits include D.J. BOSTON, BILLY BOSTON,
SPARKY & SPOOKY BOSTON,
Rambuctious RANDY BOSTON,
T.B.T. - T.N.T. and C.K.M. (don't ask...) -
a rambuctious ROBO-DOG as well and
BLACKIE & WHITIE BOSTON - tag-team cruiserweight poodles!
All of them pups are most eager to carry the BDCG tradition
way into the next century at least...
In dog years, anyhow!
Let's listen a bit now to the one pooch (a bit of an
old dog, really, but still we'll call him pooch) that is
still the best ambassador and spokesman for the group -
Listen up and listen up good now,
boys, girls and assorted critters out there!
This is THE BIG TIME, fools! This is the city of CHAMPIONS!
The best! BOSTON! BOSTON IS THE BEST!!! HOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOO!
And there is NOOOOOOOO denying that fact, Jack!
Just like I am the greatest champion of ALL-TIME -
and Big Bad Johnny with Tommy The Terrrrrrror are the toughest
tag-team that EVER WAS...!!!
They don't call them TEAM SOPORIFIC for nothing, Popo!
Randy'n'Ruff... Bobby'n'Barry... Sparky'n'Spooky!
the list goes on and on, chumps!
We're the DOGS - chumps!
We're the ELITE of this company!
We're the FRANCHISE!!!
And nothing compares to THIS gang - nothing, Mack!
You guys may want to chill out with Chilly's group...
Or peter out with those pathetic pandas...!
You may want to hang with the self-proclaimed
"Owner of the Worrrrrrrld" too...
You may go to hell with the DemonLion!
And be absolutely ABSURD with the "abominable one"...!
You can try and ride with the CyberGOOFS...
Or be bombastic like the BSOB Posse!!!
BUT NONE OF YOU CAN EVER REACH THE LEVEL
OF THE ORIGINAL GANG -
THE DOGS CHAIN GANG!
ESTABLISHED IN 1899!
AND STILL RIDING HIGH
AND WITH A NOT-TOO-MESSED-UP PROFILE!
Triple B will come OUT of retirement
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT!
And I will then win the World Title
for the ONE-HUNDREDTH TIME!
NO ONE has ever done it!
Triple B will be the one to do it!
The future's so bright
for the DOGS CHAIN GANG...
(but they're not wearing shades...?!?)
*Ahem* - ok, and finally, at the bottom of our pecking order, we have critters such as BRAWLIN BACON HAMM and DEAD CAT WALKING (like, to the ring - duh). Aye, in this farm we do things differently; and often totally upside down from the so-called ''real world'', baby! It's a jungle out there; well, in here, it's a topsy-turvy jungle! Right, Sam? (Sam is a fan - pictured below courtesy of the unruly, uncaring, all-together uncooperative photo-hosting slacker-of-a-hacker - to remain nameless, for his part!)
And, as an unexpected bonus, if you thought the preceding was painful to go through -
check out the next "painful promo" cut by Fez aka Fezbird aka The Nature Boy (wannabee)... The following sure is painful to sit through, watch and listen to at times; but hey - it is only six minutes long...!
The Ron & Fez show is even some kind of legend somewhere... somehow...
So much so, that the Family Guy cast spoofed it - I mean, paid homage to it...
Bad influence on all levels - at least, in MINE, the pets prevail...
Pictures here are merely indicative of the final product
and remain the sole property of their respective owners.
No resemblance, pellucid or obfuscated, with any living being on the planet is intended here - in any way, shape or form!
Anyone tempted to sue should strive harder to find his sense of humor!
The preceding characters are all
TM and Copyright - Luminous Luciano Properties!
Copyright © 1999-2007 and Beyond - Luciano Pimentel
All Rights Reserved!